I found it fascinating as I sat down to start this looooong overdue post that the moment I opened the New Post screen Neil (my mind) said “Lets go make a coffee, you know you want coffee”. I’m in the early stages of weaning myself off it, again. But that’s a little beside the point. I realised that Neil was doing what the mind does and trying to ‘protect’ me. From what you ask? From failure, from embarrassment, from perceived judgement. Actually, when I put it into words like that I realise it’s protection from him.
Now that’s a bit of a convoluted concept. My mind protecting me from itself. But that’s what it kinda boils down to. I was avoiding starting a new post because it’s been so long since the last one that I worry it was a flash-in-the-pan thing in the first place, maybe I don’t have what it takes to write a blog. If I just leave it people will forget all about it and it can die quietly. Only I don’t want it to die. So I’m risking the fear, the failure, the embarrassment, and the judgement (that mostly just come from Neil anyway) and posting again.
I didn’t intend for that introduction to be quite so lengthy, nor for it to be quite so unrelated to what I really wanted to talk about, but that’s my style, I write like I think. So what did I want to talk about? Multipotentialites. What the f*ck are those? Well it’s a word coined by Emilie Wapnick and I discovered it in her TED talk about not having a true calling. It’s well worth a look and you can watch it here.
Her talk resonated with me, and although I think, as with everything in life, I’m somewhere on a continuum scale of multipotentialism (wow, a brand new word – that’s kinda cool) it helps to explain a lot for me. While it reassured me somewhat that I’m not alone in my flakiness of (still) not knowing exactly what I want to ‘do’ as a grown up, it brought up conflict at the same time. Yes, I want to do all kinds of things, but for me the multipotentialism isn’t necessarily just about the big things, though there are some of those in there too, it’s also about things people would consider hobbies.
To outline just a few – I’d like to build my own house. I want to learn proper calligraphy. I’d like to be able to knit better (yes KNIT!) I want to learn how to be self sustainable in today’s modern world. I want to be location independent. I want to learn photography. I’d like to be an editor. I’d like to learn more about naturopathy and I want to help others with their nutrition and lifestyle. You’d hope so now that I’m actually studying nutrition!
The conflict that arose along with the relief was that although there are many things I want to do, I rarely seem to take any steps to actually DOING them. I will have occasional days where I have nothing pressing to do. I think to myself “I should go for a walk, I should call that friend for a coffee, I should weed the veggie garden, I should write that new blog post, I should try out that new recipe” and while all of those things are nice and I would like to do them all, I find myself not doing ANY of them and end up wasting the day away procrastinating about doing them whilst scrolling through social media, or escaping into a book or movie. I then get to the end of the day and am frustrated and disappointed with myself for not achieving anything.
Now it possibly sounds like I’m one of those people who just has to be busy all the time and doesn’t know how to relax. This is not true. I’m good at relaxing. My fear is maybe sometimes I’m a little too good at it. One thing I did notice while writing that paragraph; I used the word should an awful lot. Not could, or ‘it would be nice to..’. There’s a lot more emphasis and weightiness to the word should and it implies doing an action for that sense of achievement rather than doing an action for the enjoyment of it. Hmm, I may have to investigate that concept in a little more depth.
I don’t have all the answers for this one folks so this won’t be one of those nice succinct posts where I wrap it all up at the end with some mind blowing solution. I will however keep making meditation a daily habit (more on how I fell off that wagon some time), keep up my gratitude journal and keep actively looking for things to be grateful for, and keep reminding myself that sometimes it’s ok not to achieve anything.
So, what did I do when Neil insisted we wanted a coffee this morning? I made the most incredibly delicious, creamy raspberry and cashew smoothie. I have GOT to find a way to get that into a recipe of some kind.
Love and burpees everyone x